Today, as I continue to receive rejection after rejection, I thought I would take the afternoon to just spend some time in the Word and listening to some truth on podcasts. I think I was looking for a different kind of encouragement than I got :).
What I have realized….God asked me to move. Just because I obeyed doesn't mean that I get a treat, a.k.a. a perfect job. There is no reward and no reward should be expected. I did simply what He asked. Will He provide according to His will and His plan, yes. Is it going to blow my mind? Most likely, no….unless He will be the one glorified through it. He didn't bring me down here to make my life easier. He asked me to move, because He knows the end of the story. I want the fairytale, but He desires the journey. I think this is what He has been trying to get through my head for years. Just because of what has happened in my life doesn't mean I get an upgrade on the blessings. He only requires that I trust….but it nearly kills me to wait for Him to move.
I never realized how controlling I am. In the past few weeks I have seen that SO clearly. Knowing that someone else is cutting my clients hair, someone who I haven't seen cut hair before, someone that I haven't debriefed on what to do and what not to do. What does it really matter? There are many talented hairdresses, many FAR MORE talented than me. I want to control which job I get (which I think is really really normal) but feel like I have absolutely no idea how to let it go and just trust God with it completely. I want to control how people view me, how I come off to people, all those normal things to. I have a vice grip on the control of my life and God is fighting HARD to rip it from my grasp. Obviously His mere breath could catapult it out of my hands, but as I have said, its more about the lesson than just taking it from me.
I listened to a past sermon from Matt Chandler today called the angst of waiting. He spent a majority of the time giving a recap of the journey of Israel until the time of Christ. The first person he spoke on was Abraham. Sometimes I forget that he waited and he waited and he waited for the Lord to bring him a child. He was 100!! I think 29 is old, good grief…..not that this is about having children. Its about the Lord having timing that makes little sense to us….because Abraham being that old is quite a head scratcher to me. And throughout the rest of the history, what a back and forth journey had….all because they would not turn their hearts and repent, Lord I pray that is not me. After that I moved on to my Anne Graham Lotz devotional (its called Into the Word and I recommend it to everyone, its a year long book, and I break the weekly lesson up into smaller sections because you are really digging into the Word for each question!) Its in Hebrews reviewing the saints of chapter 11 and then looking at the life of Christ and all the obstacles He faced. Why do I think He will deal with me differently? Why would I want Him to?
So after receiving rejection emails from 2 of my top 3 jobs, I am waiting. I am TRYING to let go and not be anxious. I am trying to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I am trying to remember that God is bigger than my lack of experience in any one area, bigger than my deficiencies, bigger than my fears.
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