Wow, its almost been a week! What a week its been! Whew, glad I have made it through some of the firsts that I was the most nervous for. Things have overall been going well.
Today I decided its necessary to organize my chaos of space bags. For the first week I lived solely out of my space bags that were jammed packed with clothes….it took twice as long to get ready each day because I couldn't find entire outfits, I could find a few pieces, but not quite everything. So today I really went at it! Feels good to have an idea where all of my stuff is and know that I can dress semi-decently the next 5 weeks!
I can now make it to Jenna's apartment and to the church without using my GPS!! 2 places down, an entire city left to go!! But atleast those are the 2 most important places I need to head to! Today, I might try to figure my way out to the mall :)
Well as I came out here, I had NO IDEA what I wanted to do for a job. On Saturday I went to a seminar that was for jobseekers through Watermark, while I was there, the speaker showed up these personality tests that are supposed to tell you what occupations are the best with your personality. Since I took it, I have literally checked my email like every 15 minutes waiting for my results. It can take a few days to get the results back and I am SUPER antsy to see what it says!! I will let you know, could be entertaining, but would be great if something could tell me what I should do with my life! I just like to talk, thats all I know! The seminar also had some really good tips on resumes, filling out applications and questions to ask in interviews. All information I definitely had never thought through. I am going to another thing like that tomorrow morning and then I will head over to my interview with an insurance company!
Its time to start hitting the job search again! If you read this, please pray that I feel the Lords leading or direction on the job search. I am really praying that He leads me to a good fit for me, a place that I can stay at and grow at. I would really love to have a job in the next week or two, not having a schedule is really starting to kill me!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Everyone needs a Jenna in their life….
Well the past few days have been quite the experience. I am not totally sure how to feel about everything but there is a definite peace in the midst of this chaos! I still can't believe I moved to Dallas…..recently it has felt a little bit more like I moved to Mexico, but either way, its all still so surreal.
The first surprising moment was that my living situation is a little different than I had anticipated. I am living with my friend Anna, who I worked with back at Rick Mosley Hair. She is this little 70 year old Brazilian spitfire who feeds me NONSTOP!! But little did I know, her 40 year old son lives there too. I had asked a few of the people who have kept in better touch with her if her son lived there and they all said no. They were definitely wrong. So that is super awkward for me! But I am making it work. The hardest part of living with them is that I feel obligated to hang out with them a lot as they are doing my an enormous favor by letting me live there but there is no internet and no quiet, so its very difficult to search for jobs and get my resume out.
The first day I was here Anna took me all over her little area that she is comfortable with and we went to a few stores and she showed me some main places to go grocery shopping….if I want to cook authentic mexican food because for real, have never seen half of the items in those grocery stores. Well I should have started out by saying that she made me the worlds largest breakfast. All I that I said I wanted was a piece of toast, I got 2 pieces of toast, scrambled eggs, ham, banana, grapes, strawberries, a roll, coffee, orange juice and tea. I thought I was going to throw up for the rest of the day! It was pretty intense. Then we sat around and watched spanish novelas. I am getting pretty good at guessing what is going on and the news is even more interesting in Spanish, its a total guessing game. I will be so excited to finally get to watch TV in english again!
By time Jenna got off work that night, I was more than ready to see a different part of Dallas. We went on a walk on Kitty Trail which is crazy popular and a great area. It was so fun to really catch up on life and just hang out. SUCH a blessing to have a friend like Jenna in my life. We have known each other our whole lives pretty much and so there is just an ease to being together, and she is truly an incredible support. She is so generous with her time and allowing me to tag along ALL THE TIME! I feel terrible that I am so clingy, but I am beyond grateful for all that she has done for me. She is a true friend, an incredible encouragement, and the kind of person that everyone needs in their life.
So by my second day, I was even more determined to find a job and find it fast. I met with a recruiter which didn't turn out quite as encouraging as I had hoped. I feel that being a hairstylist set me back to a lower salary level as I am not coming straight out of an administrative position. I am starting to be very concerned. I came out here sure that the Lord was bringing me here and He was going to bless me. But what I am realizing is that what the Lord will provide might not be exactly what I hoped for. He knows the whole plan and has everything taken care of but its hard at these moments to sit back and trust because people are not just falling all over themselves to hire me!! I do realize it has only been a few days, but I am becoming more and more concerned.
So fun to going to the Mavericks game, Regi and Jodi so generously shared 2 of their extra tickets with Jenna and I. So cool to get to enjoy the really fun parts of a big new city! The other blessing has been finding out that Watermark Church has free wireless as Anna does not have the internet at her place and I need to be online looking for jobs! What an incredible place to be able to just hang out! They have a huge coffee shop that has so many comfy chairs and couches!
So the basic overview of the past few days….this is when it all comes down to how much do I trust? Right now, how much do I take the Lord at His Word and His Word alone? I have some pretty big requests right now, do I believe He will be faithful? Do I believe that I can handle 5 more weeks living with a women who is so sweet and wonderful but doesn't totally understand personal space? Can I throw it all on the Lord or am I going to continue to hold on and try to work in my own power? And can I look at all that the Lord has provided so far and praise Him for that as I wait for other areas to come together? He has provided abundantly through even through Jenna! And I have a nice place to sleep and as much food as any person could ever need. I am very blessed, its just so easy to loose sight of that.
Monday, March 21, 2011
THIS IS IT! ITS TIME TO HIT THE ROAD
WOW! I am in complete awe of the fact that I am actually following through with the decision to move. I should try to count the amount of times I have told Bailey that I would move somewhere with her, and then never did! I know why I never went, this is CRAZY HARD! I cry at the drop of a hat anyways, now its a victory for me to go an hour without tears. I am sitting here in my room that looks so pathetic with the "heart of it all" taken out. All my pictures are gone, a lot of my clothes are out of here and everything that made it feel cozy is packed. Its sad…..
But one of my favorite things about saying goodbye was realizing that one of the very hardest goodbyes was my sister in law. When PJ and Emily first got married, I NEVER thought we would have the relationship that we have now. I am beyond blessed by the woman my brother chose, good grief, he's beyond blessed, he lucked out :) Emily has become a sister, I prefer to drop the in-law because she's in my inner circle now! She's a great mother, and wife and all that, but most of all, she is an incredible support, an incredible cheerleader and THE MOST GRACIOUS person I have ever met. She should really not be nice to me after some of the things I put her through. I have loved having a sister, having someone to talk through everything with. Sometimes I would prefer to talk to her over my brother, and nobody has ever held that status before. I love to see how Gods plans turn out so much better than our own. Emily is an incredible addition to our family and I didn't see it for a time….but for sure, now I do!
I have an 11 hour drive, I have never driven that long, ever….kinda intimidating, but even more intimidating when you have a car packed to the max! Then Wednesday, its time to hit it hard with the job search. Not only is it completely unlike me to pack up and move, its totally out of my realm of thinking to move somewhere without a job. WHAT!?! Whose idea was this? Ridiculous!
But before all that, I have to say goodbye to my mom. The single most difficult moment of the entire adventure. I don't know how to leave her. I don't know how to trust that she's going to be ok, I don't know how to be the one that hurts her. I love our Sunday lunches and shopping. I love when I am sick knowing she will be right there. I love knowing I can cry on her shoulder. I love knowing she is ok. I love being her daughter. Our relationship isn't perfect, but really she is the BEST shopping partner, she is the BEST supporter and cheerleader, she is the BEST at reading me. We just have a rhythm. She's just my mom and I love her the most. Now we are just going to be crazy worried about each other. I just cant tell you how hard this is. I have no idea if its because its because she's a widow, so it really is the two of us or if its just this hard to move away for most daughters. But her being alone really does add to the nervousness. PJ and Emily move in September to Africa and at that point, all her children will be gone. What in the world is the Lord doing?
Well this is it, with tears streaming down my face, I can honestly say, I hate that this hurts this much. I am excited to see my friends in Dallas and to see a new city, but this is going to be a challenging experience to put myself out there and make new friends. It doesn't come easily for me to walk into a room and just start talking to people, especially when I am the outsider. I am SO NERVOUS for that. I have never ever had to build a whole new network of friends outside of college. In college you atleast have a few hundred or more people who need to make new friends, but when you move to a new city, everyone already has their friends. They don't need to make new ones. Talk about a journey of purely trusting the Lord. One time a friend challenged me that in every conversation I have, to try to find a way to bless the other person rather than waiting for the conversation with that person to bless me. With that kind of attitude, its no longer a conversation of awkwardness of whether or not they are going to like me, but totally about if I can be Christ to them. And at the end of the day, we truly are called to be Christ to others.
But one of my favorite things about saying goodbye was realizing that one of the very hardest goodbyes was my sister in law. When PJ and Emily first got married, I NEVER thought we would have the relationship that we have now. I am beyond blessed by the woman my brother chose, good grief, he's beyond blessed, he lucked out :) Emily has become a sister, I prefer to drop the in-law because she's in my inner circle now! She's a great mother, and wife and all that, but most of all, she is an incredible support, an incredible cheerleader and THE MOST GRACIOUS person I have ever met. She should really not be nice to me after some of the things I put her through. I have loved having a sister, having someone to talk through everything with. Sometimes I would prefer to talk to her over my brother, and nobody has ever held that status before. I love to see how Gods plans turn out so much better than our own. Emily is an incredible addition to our family and I didn't see it for a time….but for sure, now I do!
I have an 11 hour drive, I have never driven that long, ever….kinda intimidating, but even more intimidating when you have a car packed to the max! Then Wednesday, its time to hit it hard with the job search. Not only is it completely unlike me to pack up and move, its totally out of my realm of thinking to move somewhere without a job. WHAT!?! Whose idea was this? Ridiculous!
But before all that, I have to say goodbye to my mom. The single most difficult moment of the entire adventure. I don't know how to leave her. I don't know how to trust that she's going to be ok, I don't know how to be the one that hurts her. I love our Sunday lunches and shopping. I love when I am sick knowing she will be right there. I love knowing I can cry on her shoulder. I love knowing she is ok. I love being her daughter. Our relationship isn't perfect, but really she is the BEST shopping partner, she is the BEST supporter and cheerleader, she is the BEST at reading me. We just have a rhythm. She's just my mom and I love her the most. Now we are just going to be crazy worried about each other. I just cant tell you how hard this is. I have no idea if its because its because she's a widow, so it really is the two of us or if its just this hard to move away for most daughters. But her being alone really does add to the nervousness. PJ and Emily move in September to Africa and at that point, all her children will be gone. What in the world is the Lord doing?
Well this is it, with tears streaming down my face, I can honestly say, I hate that this hurts this much. I am excited to see my friends in Dallas and to see a new city, but this is going to be a challenging experience to put myself out there and make new friends. It doesn't come easily for me to walk into a room and just start talking to people, especially when I am the outsider. I am SO NERVOUS for that. I have never ever had to build a whole new network of friends outside of college. In college you atleast have a few hundred or more people who need to make new friends, but when you move to a new city, everyone already has their friends. They don't need to make new ones. Talk about a journey of purely trusting the Lord. One time a friend challenged me that in every conversation I have, to try to find a way to bless the other person rather than waiting for the conversation with that person to bless me. With that kind of attitude, its no longer a conversation of awkwardness of whether or not they are going to like me, but totally about if I can be Christ to them. And at the end of the day, we truly are called to be Christ to others.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Goodbyes
I started this blog to show my journey and a huge part of the journey that I would like to completely cut out and ignore is the part of the actual goodbye. I had fooled myself into thinking that saying goodbye wasn't going to be that hard, I was the one going on the adventure, I am the one thats supposed to have excitement to temper the sadness….but its not working out that way at all.
Lets be honest, I have a lot of friends, but I don't have a ton of friends that I let into my life enough for it to be hard for me to say goodbye to them. But there are a handful of them and those select few have been incredible friends that I cannot begin to describe how much I am going to miss. The only thing that makes it easier is that they are all starting a new chapter of their lives as they are getting married and starting sweet little families.
I went out to dinner with one of my most precious friends, Lisa, last week and she got teary when she talked about how this was probably our last dinner together for a long time and I was totally emotionless until halfway through dinner she was talking about some things going on in her and all of the sudden, it hit me, this was it. Our dinners had become less frequent, but she is one of my few friends that I completely unload on her and she unloads on me, we share advice and I truly, deeply value her advice. I couldn't say goodbye. I don't know how to say goodbye to her. I don't want to say goodbye to her. But I have atleast put that goodbye off until Sunday night, we found one more small opening right before I leave…but watch out water works…we have been through a lot and I value her friendship so much.
Then theres my family, tonight as I wrapping my nieces birthday presents, I finally thought about saying goodbye to my family. We have so much change coming up. There are so many goodbyes ahead of us. I think I have a change phobia or a goodbye phobia because literally I feel paralyzed at the thought. I remember being Sarah's age and taking my dad to the airport because he had to take business trips semi-regularly. Back then you could actually walk up to the gate (for some reason that blows my mind that that was ever even possible) and when he would get on the plane I would stand at the window and literally sob, like I couldn't even function, uncontrollable sobs…..and he was coming back in a few days. Now, now I am leaving my family and realize I wont see them for months and after a few months, I wont see them for maybe a year. HOW DO PEOPLE FUNCTION LIKE THIS? It seems unnatural. It seems unnatural to love people and then not be apart of their lives like you used to be. I literally feel like my heart might truly rip right out of my chest. It is going to be so intensely painful. And yet people do it. My friends that live down there did it. They packed up and left. Do I have some strange, unusual attachment to my family? Probably. I don't know if this is true or not, but I have heard that once you have experienced the extreme grief of a significant loss that things just hurt worse. I don't know, I don't remember what it felt like to say goodbye before my dad died, because that grief overshadows any pain I ever felt before that point. But maybe it is just overshadowed and I have always been this big of a cry baby….thats more likely!
So as I sit and cry about how sad this is for me, I am reminded what makes up life…. and all that I am worried about right now, isn't it. Its not about being in the same state as my family and friends and everyone I love. Its about having faith that is so set on Christ that as I get out of this boat, I am walking on that water. I believe that the Lord has a plan and if its His plan….its gonna be good! And as I walk away from all that is familiar and comfortable is when He can meet me face to face and truly walk beside me.
(and one a side note, I think going through this has helped me be a little more gracious to PJ and Emily as they look towards moving to Africa….I tend to not have the world's best attitude about it….and yet they are leaving behind so much and headed to a much more difficult future then I am! I am going to live it up in Dallas (for the Lords sake of course :) ) but they are headed to a completely new culture to do some real incredible stuff with 2 small children. They kind of have the bigger challenge, I guess :) Obviously they do!)
Monday, March 7, 2011
The Interrupted Life
Are there even words for the past 2 weeks? Its been emotional to say the least. As I have continued to tell my clients and bring things to a close in Des Moines, I have doubted my decision more and more each day. This is so outside of my personality to do something like this, walk away from people, and walk away from a job that I like. Not only that, but I am moving to a place that I literally know almost nothing about. I have gotten A LOT of negative feedback from friends and coworkers and as much as of a people pleaser as I am, that is torture.
At the end of each day, I cant believe that I am following through with this. I have been worried about the weather down there (I forgot to consider how HOT it is there!), if I am going to be able to make friends, if I can even navigate a new town, will I be able to find a job, will I miss my family too much….. I practically have panic attacks when I think about it! And people around me continue to reinforce my fears and continually tell me I will never last down there. Normally that would make my resolve stronger, but this time it is only help to break it down. This time I am hearing what they are saying and terrified that they might be right. But can someone decide I wont last because I don't know the exact location of where I will be or because its hot down there (its cold and icy here and yet I have stayed for 29 years!!) or because I am leaving so much behind?
I joined my Monday bible study today in the study that they are going through on Jonah: A Life Interrupted. Once again, the Lord was so good and affirmed that this decision isn't about what people think of me (both here in Iowa and in Dallas as I try to build friendships) but about following Him as He has spoken to me! We all know the story of Jonah and can obviously pick out important principles but to really be reminded that God called Jonah to something that he was not only not excited about but he literally ran away from. Thankfully, I am excited to move to Dallas, but its just so unknown. In the past two weeks, I have been a little tempted to back out….even though at this point- thats not possible, I'm too committed at this point. But throughout this process in the past few months I have joked that I am afraid if I don't move willingly, God is going to send a tornado to carry me down there- that is how serious He is about.
I was reminded that God doesn't often call us to a life within the confines of our comfort zones, He's doesn't need my help to take care of my mom, He doesn't need me in my friends lives to fulfill them. What He has called me to isn't dependent on my emotions! He is calling me OUT of my comfort zone, OUT of my life that makes sense and INTO a period of my life that I am forced to look only to Him to supply my needs! My God is the I AM, He is all that I need and holds all power to supply for the simplest and smallest desires of my heart. I am blessed to be called out and into a place to experience exactly that.
One of my favorite points in this lesson was that she pointed out that there were two other prophets in Jonah't time…..but God didn't call them to go to Nineveh, He didn't use them as back up, they weren't even a consideration in the plan. God called Jonah to something different. He didn't have the same plan for him, and we see from Jonahs reaction that he definitely wasn't pumped about God's different calling on his life. I too often look at my life and am continually perplexed by why my life is so different then the norm and so DRASTICALLY different than the plan I had laid out for my life. I had a great plan, a plan that would serve the Lord….and include a husband and kids….about 4 years ago. How are my friends a marriage and 3 children past me? Where did I miss the boat? Why do they still have their families alive and close by? OR why are they so much more successful then me? What do they have that I don't? WHY IS MY LIFE SO DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I PLANNED? And what is my response going to be? Am I going to run away and pay a huge price for that decision? Or am I going to surrender and remember that when God places an abnormal calling on my life, it is because He has an abnormal result already prepared that He wants to produce in me!!
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I
were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." - Galatians 1:10
I cannot wait to see what the Lord is going to do in and through my life!
At the end of each day, I cant believe that I am following through with this. I have been worried about the weather down there (I forgot to consider how HOT it is there!), if I am going to be able to make friends, if I can even navigate a new town, will I be able to find a job, will I miss my family too much….. I practically have panic attacks when I think about it! And people around me continue to reinforce my fears and continually tell me I will never last down there. Normally that would make my resolve stronger, but this time it is only help to break it down. This time I am hearing what they are saying and terrified that they might be right. But can someone decide I wont last because I don't know the exact location of where I will be or because its hot down there (its cold and icy here and yet I have stayed for 29 years!!) or because I am leaving so much behind?
I joined my Monday bible study today in the study that they are going through on Jonah: A Life Interrupted. Once again, the Lord was so good and affirmed that this decision isn't about what people think of me (both here in Iowa and in Dallas as I try to build friendships) but about following Him as He has spoken to me! We all know the story of Jonah and can obviously pick out important principles but to really be reminded that God called Jonah to something that he was not only not excited about but he literally ran away from. Thankfully, I am excited to move to Dallas, but its just so unknown. In the past two weeks, I have been a little tempted to back out….even though at this point- thats not possible, I'm too committed at this point. But throughout this process in the past few months I have joked that I am afraid if I don't move willingly, God is going to send a tornado to carry me down there- that is how serious He is about.
I was reminded that God doesn't often call us to a life within the confines of our comfort zones, He's doesn't need my help to take care of my mom, He doesn't need me in my friends lives to fulfill them. What He has called me to isn't dependent on my emotions! He is calling me OUT of my comfort zone, OUT of my life that makes sense and INTO a period of my life that I am forced to look only to Him to supply my needs! My God is the I AM, He is all that I need and holds all power to supply for the simplest and smallest desires of my heart. I am blessed to be called out and into a place to experience exactly that.
One of my favorite points in this lesson was that she pointed out that there were two other prophets in Jonah't time…..but God didn't call them to go to Nineveh, He didn't use them as back up, they weren't even a consideration in the plan. God called Jonah to something different. He didn't have the same plan for him, and we see from Jonahs reaction that he definitely wasn't pumped about God's different calling on his life. I too often look at my life and am continually perplexed by why my life is so different then the norm and so DRASTICALLY different than the plan I had laid out for my life. I had a great plan, a plan that would serve the Lord….and include a husband and kids….about 4 years ago. How are my friends a marriage and 3 children past me? Where did I miss the boat? Why do they still have their families alive and close by? OR why are they so much more successful then me? What do they have that I don't? WHY IS MY LIFE SO DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I PLANNED? And what is my response going to be? Am I going to run away and pay a huge price for that decision? Or am I going to surrender and remember that when God places an abnormal calling on my life, it is because He has an abnormal result already prepared that He wants to produce in me!!
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I
were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." - Galatians 1:10
I cannot wait to see what the Lord is going to do in and through my life!
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